What? My ramblings and fears

What can I do? What can I say? What can I feel, What can I not? what can I will, what can I not? No I am not a new Dr. Sues. Sometimes maybe I wish I were. Sometimes I wish I was not me, not a wife, mother, woman, nothing. Sometimes when I know I have everything I could ever want and more. Sometimes when I know I am blessed to be who I am, where I am and with all the people that surround me. I know I have a wonderful husband. I am so lucky to have him. How many people wish and pray to the cannabis god that they could have my husband. He is a great man and a wonderful father. And I am so miserable with myself at most times that I look for things that he has done wrong and he doesn’t deserve it. We have had many problems and worked though so much. So why am I so un trustful? you would like to think that every relationship is perfect and completely honest. Are they no, of course not. As much as you can tell each other that they are, don’t believe it. Am I pointing all this at him, of course not. Me just as much as him. I try so hard and for the most part yes. But I have deep dark secrets like most people. Some of these things are obvious that light has been shown on to here and there. But the extent probably will never be known. Who wants all of their everything out there for even the most intimate, important person in their life? Me! I do! But I after all these years can STILL not give everything. I am still afraid of getting hurt and loosing “something else.” I do not know what that something is but there is something. I can not let go of my past, my present, my future or of me. Here is what is me, my life. I have a house and devoted wonderful man who works and supports his family even at the toughest of times when all hope seems to be lost. I have four awesome, great kids. I have family around me. More that a lot pf people but not as much as some. SO what is wrong with all of this? I have no clue, sounds great right? Yeah I think so too. a lot of people would. So WHY am I so destructive? I wish I knew. I want so bad for everything to be normal. I want for my life to stay on a even road, that will of course falter but what road doesn’t? Even when my road isn’t faltering, in my brain it is. I have landed myself in a hospital for attempted suicide. I have been on multiple prescribed psyche meds. and still am. I have been on things I shouldn’t and still do. Things I know I shouldn’t, things that alter me and change my perspective. Things that make me forget even if for a short while. WHAT am I trying to forget? What is so bad about my life right now, that I have to still do this to myself but more importantly to my family? My kids are not stupid. They see what I am doing. I do not want them to, I do not want them to experience anything in their young lives that they do not have to. I want to prevent them from going through some things I went through. So why am I doing it? I don’t know! I don’t want to be like this. So what happened today that has got me awake at 2am not being able to shut my brain off while my whole family sleeps, oblivious to the torment I feel? My husband of course tearing the roof off the house snoring like a large 200 plus pound baby. The cause of his blissful ignorance should be also the cause of the blissful ignorance I am not feeling. Less that an hour ago we had great sex for no less that the 3rd time in 24 hours. Should they make me weepy? God I hope not. If so them we really have issues. Lets see before that we were at my 9year(the cheerleaders basketball game) We have so much fun and love going so much and love seeing her have so much fun. Of course without being said 2 and 3 games a week between the basketball player and the cheerleader is a bit taxing. Ok before said games hubby and I were together all day while the kids were back in school for the first time in a week due to snow. Wow tough day huh? But of course my day didn’t start when everyone else’s did. so last night while everyone was asleep I was trying to figure out another reason to fight with hubby and cause fight. For.... I am not sure why. ****sidenote*** As I am writing this I have so many rabbit trails that go through my head. I can not stay on task if there really is a task here. Husband would say I have low self esteem and whatever whatever and that is why I am always self destructing or family destructing or something like that. Another rabbit trail...I listen all the time, but only hear what I want to hear when he talks. Ok before this marathon sleepless day, I was asleep for a day and a half. Self induced drugged sleep(self destructiveness again) do you see a pattern here? These patterns seem to go in cycles sorta. They may have use to have been worse in other ways or I am not sure, maybe different destructiveness or drug or whatever. Maybe they got better maybe not, maybe a cover up. Maybe a wanting to be better and maybe did for awhile. Lots of maybes I know, but I really do not know. So the long to short I have now been up for over 24 hours and low and behold I can not sleep yet again. No matter how tired I feel in body. The brain does not stop. So what was I thinking after the great sex an hour ago? While I was euphoric and getting sleepy and comfortable and well you get the point. My head starts this......... Why do I fear getting another job? Why do I not want to spend time with my family?(mom, dad etc.) But at the same time want to and miss them? Why do I find fault in myself, husband, family, home etc.? Why I am fat? Why did my cousin have to die before I could be with him again? Why did I have to run. why do we get settled somewhere and then I can’t take it or whatever? And take off? If I wasn’t like this then I could have been around for my cousin, my grandpa, my dad my mom. And even when I am physically HERE I check out into my other dimension when I can’t take it anymore. Why? How am I going to buy a yearbook, cheerleading/basketballs pics, basketball goal, ipod touch, you get the point? Why can’t I keep my house clean, when I want it to be clean but then I can’t enforce my kids to pick up after themselves? Then I think I don’t even want to say this cause then the hubby will be upset with the kids for not doing it because it is making me upset and he doesn’t want to rock the boat and make mommy crack. So he puts more pressure on the kids. and then my anxiety gets worse. Do you see a cycle here? Is my husband looking at porn today? or finding another woman online like he found me 13years and 3000 miles away? Is my father going to live til next Christmas? Will he ever see his granddaughters graduate high school? Will any of us see my 17 yo son graduate? How much longer will I out live my husband because of our age differences? Will I ever loose weight or feel attractive again? Not matter what my husband tells me almost daily? Will my kids continue to love me? Do they love me? I have screwed up so much, I could not live knowing I have hurt them anymore. Although I know I continue to do it daily. Do I tell my kids I love them enough? Do I hold them enough? Sometimes I know I do. Then I KNOW I withdraw into myself. Why do I do that? They are my kids. I am protecting them from me, or Me from them? Will my son come home safe? Will he still love me even after I play bad cop mommy? And will he go live with his dad cause dad is better? Will I ever get to go back to school? Do I really want to? I think so, but who knows. Ok so did I forget anything? Oh yes plenty but I guess my point was hopefully taken. Ok so I couldn’t shut and kept going on the rabbit trails and nothing else will come out.