Homeschooling??? For my youngest daughter?

In my youngest daughters own words: She is shy, nervous and uncomfortable. She says she only has 1 or 2 friends and can’t initiate making friends. She sits and plays by herself. Says people laugh and make fun of her and move away from her on the bus and won’t sit with her.
For me as her mother this hurts me very much. Being a mother you want to try and fix everything you can. Which of course is not possible. And in actuality you shouldn’t fix everything, kids have got to learn by themselves also. But if there are few things you can help with or makes things a little easier NOW, why not? Because there are only a few short years that you can have any control at all. Which I am slowly learning with my my oldest son(17yo).
 My daughter has complained since the beginning of school that she was having problems. We have worked with it to the best of our ability. I know at times it s not too bad. But other times she cries and makes up ever excuse she can think of not to go to school. Also in the last month of school she has been to the school nurse 6 times, for this or that. All little things so she can get out of class or possibly get to come home. Yes I know a lot of kids do this. But her reasons are a little more profound than “I am tired and don’t want to get up this morning.” Or “I have a test I didn’t study for.” She really enjoys learning and especially reading, that is why I believe this is serious enough to consider pulling her out of school. Her apprehensions and the stigmatisms she is experiencing is stronger than her WANT to be at school. Hers isn’t that “I just don’t like school, I’m bored, I wanna play instead of go to school.” She wants to go.
 My oldest daughter was the first to mention Home school. It was just a casual “I wanna Home school so I don’t have to get up early.” Of course she was joking. But then my little ones started asking questions. They were all “home schooled” before. But the girls were not “school” aged yet. My son is the only one who officially did it. She ask him if he liked it he said NO. He then went on to say he didn’t like it and doesn’t like school now. Public, private or home he doesn’t give a crap. I feel sorry for my son. He was basically my guinea pig as far as home school goes. We tried a lot of things, did a lot of things, liked things, hated things. Most of the stuff I liked he didn’t. I don’t think he and I ever found a true happy trail. I did learn so much from those years though. I would not give them up because of the good times he and I did have together. I think it prepared us for the harder times we would experience a few years later. Even him being a rebellious teenager and going through some really horrible things, to the point of us wanting to kill each other. But I think if we hadn’t had the foundation we had things could have turned out differently. Now I’m not saying the only way we you can have a good foundation with your children is from home schooling. It was just a good for he and I. Could we do it now? Hell no! For everything there is a season.
Sorry for the ramblings this is suppose to be about my youngest daughter. And that being said the next people I will talk about is my oldest and middle daughters. LOL. Am I saying I want to home school them? No. Would I? Yes if they wanted it. IF I thought there was good reason or if I thought they would benefit in some way. Or if I thought the education they were getting was not sufficient. I do not think any of these things with them. They are both thriving in what they are doing. My middle daughter making all A’s and cheering and the oldest is A’s and B’s and playing basketball. (says the proud Momma). . They both love it. They are both very social, easy to make friends, loves being with people and doing things. Wants to always be with someone, somewhere doing something All these things are why I would NOT home school them. I would be taking things away from them they enjoy and taking experiences away I could never give them. And don’t get me wrong, I don’t want take anything away from the youngest. I want to give her MORE than what she is experiencing now. Help her academically, socially, personally and in every way I can or she will allow. I want her to thrive like her sisters. She may need several months or she may need several years. She may be ready to go back into school next year or in 3 years. Or she may wanna graduate home school then go onto college. Its what is best for her and what she is ready for.
Some parents say you have to do this and you have to do that. i.e. college. I will not do that for any of my kids. Do I want them to go to college and have a career, hell yeah. I know how hard it is otherwise. But I can only tell them what to do for 18 years. She has always loved animals. Instead of playing just fun games on-line she watches animal videos and movies and answers questions about them. All sorts of other animal stuff. For years she has said she wants to work with animals like being a vet. The other day she came to me and said she wants to train Orcas.
Arianna was was held back in Kindergarten for one more year. It was mainly interpersonal, social, and emotional growth reasons; not academics. So at this point she is the oldest kid in her 2nd grade class, since she is suppose to be in 3rd. The problem is she knows this and I believe it interferes with the way she thinks of herself. The thing is that most of the “youngens” are actually more socially and emotionally mature than she is. I see it as a confidence issue. She is super intelligent, but is stifled in a school setting by her fears and disbelief in herself. She has never had to think, talk or do anything for herself. That’s what her older sisters were for. She has always went along for the ride. She has always had someone tell her where to go, what to do, what to say and when to say it. She is not sure of anything about herself except for her love for anything animal, or anything that breathes for that matter. But recently she has started being more assertive and standing up for herself much to the chagrin of her sisters. Even being her parent and being out in public with her. She doesn’t talk or smile or really do anything unless you are at her level speaking directly to her. Don’t have to worry about stranger danger with her. You can’t even get her off your leg. So you can imagine how out of sorts she is around other people. That is one of things that makes me hurt so bad for her. I KNOW the great little girl she is. The heart she has, the love for people and animals, her great smile and laughter. When she is at home she likes playing with her sisters, dressing up and dancing. But most times would rather be alone, or stuck to either myself or her daddy. Whether I am dong laundry or sitting watching a movie or reading with her. Or just pulling a chair up by the computer and watching daddy play his game. But no matter which she does, she is smiling and TALKING, constantly. And there is no one other than the 6 people in our immediate family that even knows she talks like she does. I want her to be able to be comfortable in herself no matter where she is at and who she is with.
SIDE NOTE: It took ME a long time to be able to do this for myself. And I’m still working on it, to this day. But I didn’t realize I had a problem til my husband started saying things and pointing things out. And I realized wow I seriously have issues. But I always thought it was normal. It was to me. But I see so much of me in Ari. A lot of good stuff but other things I don’t want her to have to go through. I believe she is intelligent. I just think she has internal issues to deal with, confidences to find. She is already such a good reader and enjoys it so much. I believe if she could be let go, onto what ever subjects she is interested in and those things nurtured, that other areas of her life that she lacks confidence in would improve. If she can SEE what she can do and realize it for herself, I think that will give her tremendous strength.
Her math I believe needs to be started back at the beginning to give her a better foundation. There is so many pieces she has, but too many missing ones at the same time. I think it would be like looking through grannies old holey underwear. It is only in math that she is lacking in academically. I believe that within a year she can be caught up or surpass the grade that her chronological age corresponds with. I think spending one on one time will help academically but will allow her to grow and find her own voice in other areas as well. She already knows that she can say anything at home she just has to come to understand that she is also allowed to speak her mind outside her home, that she is a viable person with her own opinions and thoughts. Not just what she is suppose to do or think at school, or what her siblings TELL her to say or think. There are some things in public school that is working well for her, that we will not want to change.
She is truly accelerating in accelerated reading. She loves it. I don’t think the quiz’s can be used out of a school setting. But we can find something comparable and have a reward system set up. So she knows and feels she is still accomplishing something with her reading. Other than A/R she enjoys the fun days and holidays. Not really saying much but its something I guess. I remember when I was in school even up through elementary we would get to do all sorts of fun projects and art to decorate for the holidays.(every holiday even Presidents Day) They have not gotten to do any art this year, that I know of or have been told about.

I told myself I wouldn't get on my soapbox about school...but I can't help it.
I don’t think they have enough time anymore in public schools. They are always hurrying to stand in line to hurry to get somewhere to stand in another line and wait. They have to organize everything to accommodate 30 kids a class, not to mention scheduling lunch, PE and library time. The girls said they only get 10 minutes to look for a book in the library. I thought that was a mistake and asked the librarian and she said it was true that there was no more time to “schedule” it. But then they have all these OFF days, Half days here and there, early dismissals, Fall break. How many breaks can u need when your actual “school time” comes out to maybe two and half instructional hours a day? There is so much lost time there. So if there is all this time, why can they NOT take the time to make sure everyone in each class understands what’s being taught. You either get it or u don’t, it doesn’t matter they have to go on to the next thing because they don’t have time. They have to make sure everything is “taught” so they can take the test on Friday. On the national average 67% of graduating high school students have to go back and take remedial math and English courses in college before they are ready to take college level courses. So what is the point of hurrying and getting this stuff done when it all has to be done over again?
ANNNDDDD....... Here it comes the BIG question of “Do home school kids get enough socialization?” Well duh! Sometimes too much if you allow it. There are great home school groups out there to pick and choose from. Some do as little as nothing, as opposed to some doing more than 4 public schools could do put together. Yes everything from clubs, dances, fieldtrips, sports and more.
 In our situation we want the socialization there but at Ari’s pace, as she wants. But I am believing that as she gets more comfortable she will come out of her shell so to speak and flourish just like any child her age.

What a weekend..Teenage Woes

Let me first start off by saying that my son and his girfriend and 2 other girls skipped school over a month ago. Got caught went to court, went to juvie one night and had to sign no contact orders saying they would have no contact with each other for a month.  They have another court date this Wen. the 26th.
Ok my son texts me form school Friday and said he is going to go find his girlfriends dad and kill him. Proceeds to tell me that her dad beat her the night before. Threw her against the wall and choked her, and threw the dining room table at her.  He had told me before that her dad had been abusive and that she had reported him and nothing cane of it. Several years ago he was in jail for domestic violence.
My son ask if she could come over after school because she was afraid to go home. I let her come over, so she could to the hosptial get her injuries looked added and reported. When she got here all I could see was  I guess a puffy lip. It wasn's busted or anything. And she said she had bruises on her legs. She did not want to go to the hospital or the cops afraid they wouldn't do anything and send her back home with him. So we called a safe shelter but they couldn't do anything because she is only 17.
So this situation of trying to help this girl is turning into a nightmare because she doesn't want to do anything about and just wants to "hang out" at my house. I was basically helping a runaway or something like that. Someone told me it could even be considered kidnapping becasue she is underage.My husband and I were so torn with what to do.  We have 3 other younger kids at home and we couldn't put our own family in jeopardy. But we didn't want her to have to go back to her dad, but we couldn't keep her but we also didn't want to push her to report it because she was terrified. So we told her she could stay one night so she could think about what she wanted to do. But we made her call her dad so he would know she was at least OK.
The next morning she still didn't want to do anything. I told her she couldn't stay here any longer without filing a report or something. So she said she would go to another friends house. So my son took her to her friends house, then he didn't return home.
By this time her dad was calling our house threatening to blow my sons brains out. And we had no idea where they were at. We got together with her dad and although the man was really pissed and wanted his daughter he didn't seem like a bad guy.
He said he didn't beat her, she had already been grounded and had been in trouble for awhile then he found some things on her Myspace and confronted her. He told her since grounding isn't doing anything her was going to spank her with a belt. He said he only got her legs because she wouldn't stay still and kept punhing at him and fighting him. He and her stepmom said this did happen last year when he tried to dicipline her and she fought him and had bruises. He said other times they ground and various other things.  So we have two sides of the story, we can only hope he was telling the truth.
I finally found them at one of my sons friends house. I did not want her dad to hurt her or us betray her but I didn't know what else to do. Because she was going to try and hang out with people going here and there, with no car and no money and drag my son along.  I don't really mean drag, he of course was going willingly and going to do anything for her no matter the consequence.
So my husband and I went with her dad and got them from the friends house. My son has not spoken a word to us since we picked him up. I know he feels we betrayed him. But I feel I have to be a parent first and try and be a friend last.
Should I feel like shit because I hurt him? I am mad because he took off and didn't come back and didn't plan on coming back. But this alone is not the only reasons I have issues with son. They are too numerous to list right now maybe someother time.
Should he get in trouble for this? What ground him? Take away his phone and computer? Or should I just let it ride because he was trying to help her?
If he wasn't with me he wouldn't have shown up for court on Wed. then he would have a bench warrant on him.  If he and she did decide to show up they would have already been reported as runaways and would have been taken into custody as soon as they stepped foot in court. Should I have just let this happen and have him deal with the consequences of his own actions?(Again this is not the first by far of things we are going through with him) I think he needs to step up and realize what he is doing? I feel he will never learn anything.

Amazing

It is crazy how 2 days can change your outlook on things.  But that is just what I was saying in my previous post. I hit a bad day or two go absolutley off the charts. Hit the bottom, then ok here we are two days later and I feel great. Will it last a 2 more days? Will it last a week or 2? I want it to last so much longer. Forver would be nice. :-) Unrealistic, nah I don't think so at least it is a goal to work toward.
I have not been able to get enough of my husband and kids these last 2 days. I want to be with them every moment hold them and talk to them. Even though yesterday after school I thought I could possibly kill my 11yo, she has her first speech do that is mandatory and she is freaking out. She ahs known about since before Christmas. Has she done any of it? No. When is it due? Tomorrow. She did start it weeks ago then quit. We were also out ALL last week because of weather. We live in the south never get snow. But she did not even try to do any of it during that time. Now the day before its due, freakin out. She started out writing out about the dog, then thought about the rainforests, then basketball. But yesterday she was under the conclusion that she knows nothing about anything. Or at least not enough to speak for at least 2 to 3 minutes about it. How absurd is that when kids can have a conversation about nothing and everything that can last all day long?
I understand her pain. I hated doing speeches or anything that had to do with getting in front of anyone. And writing comes easy for me whether a speech or just nothing. I am such a procrastinator and I see some of that in her when it comes to certain things. I say she, she, she didn't do anything about the speech. But I am the mother here and should have reminded her and helped more with it over the snow break.
On top of this we have a basketball game tonight(we have 3 a week between 2 of my girls, one cheers the other plays) and both have practice once to twice a week. Also this week we have to go to the Community College where they both get to practice and perform the college students on Saturday. And then have to be at their school on Sunday for sports pictures, yes I said Sunday I think thats weird. Sometime these next 2 weeks they have to fit in and reschedule all the games we missed last week due to snow plus tournaments.
I say all of this, but I love all the chaos and it keeps me going. I love it so much I am not sure what we will due with our time after basketball season. But it is also what knocks me to the ground. I have got to find a balance. Anyone have any ideas how to find the balance? Is it a helpless cause or will I finally get there after my kids are grown and don't need me anymore?

What? My ramblings and fears

What can I do? What can I say? What can I feel, What can I not? what can I will, what can I not? No I am not a new Dr. Sues. Sometimes maybe I wish I were. Sometimes I wish I was not me, not a wife, mother, woman, nothing. Sometimes when I know I have everything I could ever want and more. Sometimes when I know I am blessed to be who I am, where I am and with all the people that surround me. I know I have a wonderful husband. I am so lucky to have him. How many people wish and pray to the cannabis god that they could have my husband. He is a great man and a wonderful father. And I am so miserable with myself at most times that I look for things that he has done wrong and he doesn’t deserve it. We have had many problems and worked though so much. So why am I so un trustful? you would like to think that every relationship is perfect and completely honest. Are they no, of course not. As much as you can tell each other that they are, don’t believe it. Am I pointing all this at him, of course not. Me just as much as him. I try so hard and for the most part yes. But I have deep dark secrets like most people. Some of these things are obvious that light has been shown on to here and there. But the extent probably will never be known. Who wants all of their everything out there for even the most intimate, important person in their life? Me! I do! But I after all these years can STILL not give everything. I am still afraid of getting hurt and loosing “something else.” I do not know what that something is but there is something. I can not let go of my past, my present, my future or of me. Here is what is me, my life. I have a house and devoted wonderful man who works and supports his family even at the toughest of times when all hope seems to be lost. I have four awesome, great kids. I have family around me. More that a lot pf people but not as much as some. SO what is wrong with all of this? I have no clue, sounds great right? Yeah I think so too. a lot of people would. So WHY am I so destructive? I wish I knew. I want so bad for everything to be normal. I want for my life to stay on a even road, that will of course falter but what road doesn’t? Even when my road isn’t faltering, in my brain it is. I have landed myself in a hospital for attempted suicide. I have been on multiple prescribed psyche meds. and still am. I have been on things I shouldn’t and still do. Things I know I shouldn’t, things that alter me and change my perspective. Things that make me forget even if for a short while. WHAT am I trying to forget? What is so bad about my life right now, that I have to still do this to myself but more importantly to my family? My kids are not stupid. They see what I am doing. I do not want them to, I do not want them to experience anything in their young lives that they do not have to. I want to prevent them from going through some things I went through. So why am I doing it? I don’t know! I don’t want to be like this. So what happened today that has got me awake at 2am not being able to shut my brain off while my whole family sleeps, oblivious to the torment I feel? My husband of course tearing the roof off the house snoring like a large 200 plus pound baby. The cause of his blissful ignorance should be also the cause of the blissful ignorance I am not feeling. Less that an hour ago we had great sex for no less that the 3rd time in 24 hours. Should they make me weepy? God I hope not. If so them we really have issues. Lets see before that we were at my 9year(the cheerleaders basketball game) We have so much fun and love going so much and love seeing her have so much fun. Of course without being said 2 and 3 games a week between the basketball player and the cheerleader is a bit taxing. Ok before said games hubby and I were together all day while the kids were back in school for the first time in a week due to snow. Wow tough day huh? But of course my day didn’t start when everyone else’s did. so last night while everyone was asleep I was trying to figure out another reason to fight with hubby and cause fight. For.... I am not sure why. ****sidenote*** As I am writing this I have so many rabbit trails that go through my head. I can not stay on task if there really is a task here. Husband would say I have low self esteem and whatever whatever and that is why I am always self destructing or family destructing or something like that. Another rabbit trail...I listen all the time, but only hear what I want to hear when he talks. Ok before this marathon sleepless day, I was asleep for a day and a half. Self induced drugged sleep(self destructiveness again) do you see a pattern here? These patterns seem to go in cycles sorta. They may have use to have been worse in other ways or I am not sure, maybe different destructiveness or drug or whatever. Maybe they got better maybe not, maybe a cover up. Maybe a wanting to be better and maybe did for awhile. Lots of maybes I know, but I really do not know. So the long to short I have now been up for over 24 hours and low and behold I can not sleep yet again. No matter how tired I feel in body. The brain does not stop. So what was I thinking after the great sex an hour ago? While I was euphoric and getting sleepy and comfortable and well you get the point. My head starts this......... Why do I fear getting another job? Why do I not want to spend time with my family?(mom, dad etc.) But at the same time want to and miss them? Why do I find fault in myself, husband, family, home etc.? Why I am fat? Why did my cousin have to die before I could be with him again? Why did I have to run. why do we get settled somewhere and then I can’t take it or whatever? And take off? If I wasn’t like this then I could have been around for my cousin, my grandpa, my dad my mom. And even when I am physically HERE I check out into my other dimension when I can’t take it anymore. Why? How am I going to buy a yearbook, cheerleading/basketballs pics, basketball goal, ipod touch, you get the point? Why can’t I keep my house clean, when I want it to be clean but then I can’t enforce my kids to pick up after themselves? Then I think I don’t even want to say this cause then the hubby will be upset with the kids for not doing it because it is making me upset and he doesn’t want to rock the boat and make mommy crack. So he puts more pressure on the kids. and then my anxiety gets worse. Do you see a cycle here? Is my husband looking at porn today? or finding another woman online like he found me 13years and 3000 miles away? Is my father going to live til next Christmas? Will he ever see his granddaughters graduate high school? Will any of us see my 17 yo son graduate? How much longer will I out live my husband because of our age differences? Will I ever loose weight or feel attractive again? Not matter what my husband tells me almost daily? Will my kids continue to love me? Do they love me? I have screwed up so much, I could not live knowing I have hurt them anymore. Although I know I continue to do it daily. Do I tell my kids I love them enough? Do I hold them enough? Sometimes I know I do. Then I KNOW I withdraw into myself. Why do I do that? They are my kids. I am protecting them from me, or Me from them? Will my son come home safe? Will he still love me even after I play bad cop mommy? And will he go live with his dad cause dad is better? Will I ever get to go back to school? Do I really want to? I think so, but who knows. Ok so did I forget anything? Oh yes plenty but I guess my point was hopefully taken. Ok so I couldn’t shut and kept going on the rabbit trails and nothing else will come out.

My bloggin journey begins

So how long has bloggin been around now? Forever. I have been meaning to do this for a long time and I am just getting around to it.
I have so much to say some times and nothing at other times. When I do need to write the only person who reads it is my husband he says I have things to say that may be of help to others that I have experiences to share. I don't necessarily agree. But I guess only time will tell. But I always need someone to listen.